Are Your Boundaries Authentic?
Authentic boundaries have the power to be extremely empowering, beneficial tools for our well-being. But setting authentic boundaries sometimes takes a lot of self-awareness and inner work! Without even realizing it, many of us end up setting performative boundaries instead—the boundaries we believe we ‘should’ have, instead of the ones we actually need.
In this video I’m sharing about where performative boundaries come from, how to notice them in yourself, and some powerful steps you can take to pivot toward more genuine boundaries.
Learn more about my Boundaries Without Backlash Program.
This video is an excerpt from my Heart Call Library.
How To Stop Fixing People's Emotions
The habit of trying to fix people’s uncomfortable feelings is a very common one—and most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it! While well-intentioned, this habit often interferes with the possibility of true connection, growth, support, and healing.
In this video I’m sharing about why fixing is such a default behavior for so many of us, its consequences, and what we can learn to do instead. Enjoy!
This video is an excerpt from my Heart Call Library.
How To Heal From Codependency
Codependency is one of the #1 topics people ask me about, and one of my favorites to teach. Because it can be a source of such tremendous frustration, anxiety, conflict, and even shame, learning to understand and heal our codependency is a radically empowering experience—and a huge relief. Below I’m sharing some of the first steps I recommend to anyone interested in healing codependency. Take a look!
I define codependency as the act of seeking to ground or define ourselves via others.
It’s a learned survival behavior that operates mostly in our unconscious mind. As we grow up in the world, we take cues from our caregivers—we lean on them to help us find balance, come back to center when we’re emotionally dysregulated, and develop a sense of who we are. It’s normal, natural, and healthy for children to do this; it’s how we cultivate our identity and sense of safety in the world.
This becomes challenging, however, when we don’t have positive experiences with our caregivers. None of us had ‘perfect’ childhoods, and all of us went through experiences of not being seen, heard, attuned with, or validated in the way we needed. These experiences can range from mild (‘little t trauma’) to severe or even life-threatening (‘Big T Trauma’). Wherever we fall on this spectrum, all of us developed some degree of codependency—it’s pretty much woven into the fabric of being relational beings.
When you’re exploring your own codependency, I encourage you to remove any sense of judgment or stigma around the codependent patterns you observe in yourself. We can be very hard on ourselves in this place, but the truth is, codependency is not bad or wrong—it’s a symptom of unconscious fear. When we fall into codependency, it’s just a sign that we’re trying to regain a sense of security and safety in the only way we know how in that moment: by looking outside of ourselves.
While there is absolutely no need to feel any sense of shame around these tendencies, it can certainly be very frustrating to experience them! Many clients lament to me, “I know my codependency is unhealthy. I know it’s damaging my relationships. I know it’s toxic. How do I stop?!”
The first step is to forgive yourself for falling into codependency.
The harder you are on yourself for your own codependency, the longer you’ll stay stuck and the more difficult it will be to heal. Everybody falls into codependency from time to time—it’s in our wiring! We are relational beings. So start by forgiving yourself.
Now, it’s important to understand that at its core, codependency is self-abandonment. It’s the act of leaving ourselves and looking outward to find our sense of self. So when it comes to healing codependency, we must focus on coming back to ourselves.
‘Coming back to ourselves’ sounds great on paper, but honestly, this can be a painful process! Yes, the end result of being centered in ourselves (on the other side of working through our emotional material) is beautiful and grounding… but the process of cutting those energetic ties and releasing our sense of loyalty to others’ perceptions of us or others’ emotional states can feel quite disorienting. Don’t be alarmed if you feel scared, anxious, worried, etc. as you untether from your codependent patterns.
The second step is to come back to yourself by asking, “what’s going on for me right now?”
When I ask this question to someone who is struggling with codependency, their answer often bounces back to another’s experience:
“I feel like they’re mad at me.”
“I feel like what they said is unfair.”
Be patient with yourself if your default is to jump out of your own experience and back to someone else’s. This is a classic symptom of codependency. Just gently guide yourself back to your experience using the simple (but not always easy) question: “What is going on for me?”
How do I feel in my body? What does my breath feel like? What feelings are happening for me? What’s going on in my heart?
As we start to map our inner experience in this way, we begin to drop beneath our codependent habits and create an anchor to ourselves inside that brings a sense of safety and grounding.
Keep in mind: when we’re in a codependent pattern, fear is driving us. So when you check how you’re doing inside, you might find that some version of fear is present. In these moments, you can provide yourself the emotional attunement and security that perhaps you never received growing up.
The third step is to offer reassurance to the scared inner child who originally formed codependency as a way to try to feel safe.
Here are some phrases I like for this step:
I’m right here.
I’m not going anywhere.
It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.
I won’t leave you.
I’m listening.
Even though you’re scared, I love and accept you.
I encourage you to think right now about some phrases that are likely to be soothing and reassuring for the vulnerable, scared inner child parts of you who developed the codependent tendencies to begin with. It’s helpful to have these phrases memorized so you can call them up at a moment’s notice whenever you need them.
The fourth and final step is to claim an energetic boundary.
Most of us, when we’re in a codependent pattern, do not perceive a boundary between ourselves and another. Often, we lose our sense of self and start to feel like the only thing that exists or matters is the other person’s experience. Because of this, it’s very healing to remind yourself of this energetic boundary.
Here are some of my favorite mantras for this:
My feelings are over here with me, your feelings are over there with you.
My experience is mine, and your experience is yours.
I am not responsible for your discomfort.
I am not responsible for resolving your pain.
I am not responsible for your healing.
I am loyal to and connected to my inner experience.
Having a healthy energetic boundary will allow you to grow the resilience and stamina to learn to engage from a place of raw, vulnerable, open connection, rather than codependent patterning.
Let me know how it goes!
Dealing With Disappointment
It’s almost never comfortable to sit with the feeling of disappointment, but the cost of pushing it aside is immense. Whether we lash out, get reactive, vindictive, or vengeful, collapse, give up, or shame ourselves… none of these compensating behaviors are healthy for us. And none of them support us in actually metabolizing and moving on from our disappointment. There is huge potential in the act of learning to process our disappointment—let’s explore together!
First, what is disappointment, and why do we feel it?
Disappointment is the feeling that emerges when there is a difference between what we want, expect, or hope for, and what is happening. It’s our way of processing the gap between our mind and heart’s forecasted reality, and our actual lived reality.
For most of us, the temptation when disappointment arises is to either…
a) make what we wanted/expected/hoped for wrong, or
b) make what happened (or somebody else) wrong
These default reactions are a most unconscious, instantaneous attempt to reconcile the gap between our wishes and reality. Unfortunately, neither is supportive of our wellbeing: making our own desires wrong (a) leads to resistance against ourselves, and making what happened/another wrong (b) leads to resistant against life as it is.
So what can we do instead?
Instead of making yourself wrong, try this:
Start by acknowledging to yourself: “What I wanted didn’t happen here.” Remind yourself that what you wanted wasn’t bad just because things didn’t result the way you wanted. Your wishes or hopes or longings or expectations were bad or wrong, even if they were not fulfilled.
Next, repeat to yourself: “It’s okay to want [need/want/hope/expectation], and I’m so sad it wasn’t possible in this situation.” This two-part phrase invites both self-acceptance and a practice of mourning: it’s how we come into acceptance of what is, and rejoin the flow of life instead of pushing against it.
Beware of the mind’s tendency to generalize a moment of disappointment to a lifelong sentence of unmet needs—“This is always going to happen to me. Things are never going to work out the way I want. I’ll never get what I want.” These thoughts are understandable, but almost never accurate. Use the two-part phrase above to cue your brain to contextualize the experience of disappointment as a passing feeling (not an indicator of your forevermore destiny!) and to move toward acceptance through mourning.
Instead of making what happened (or somebody else) wrong, try this instead:
Check in with the observations of the situation you’re navigating. What would a video camera capture? What has taken place?
For example:
“I was told I didn’t get the job.”
“We didn’t make it to our destination on time and couldn’t get in."
Then, slow it down and notice how you feel. The place most of us go is the stories our mind has created to grapple with what has happened.
For example:
“They shouldn’t have done that.”
“They made the wrong decision.”
Most of our disappointment stories lead us into a negative thought track that blocks us from truly processing and accepting what has happened. Our feelings, on the other hand, lead us toward honoring the impact of what has happened, and slowly finding our way into acceptance.
So, start by noticing the observations—what’s happened—and how you feel about it. In particular, clue in to any feelings of sadness. Often sadness is sitting right below our disappointment. When we can open ourselves to feel it, we move through a natural grieving process that frees us to let go of our losses (no matter how big or small) and move forward.
Remember: the faster we allow ourselves to mourn when we’re disappointed, the more easily we regain access to feelings of confidence, empowerment, and openness.
Let me know how it goes!
When Perfectionism Holds You Back
At the heart of so much of our fear, shame, self-doubt and emotional paralysis, is perfectionism. How do we recognize when our perfectionism is holding us back, and find a way to re-open our hearts and move toward authentic, courageous action?
This is an excerpt from my Heart Call Library.
Getting Your Conversations Back On Track
All of us encounter moments in our conversations where things feel like they are going sideways: something feels a bit off, someone’s body language changes, or a palpable tension enters the room.
These moments are important choice points! We can either step in and take action to realign and open things up, or we can let them become points of disconnection and misunderstanding. Typically when we encounter these awkward moments, we’re prone to fall into knee-jerk reactions—getting aggressive, getting quiet, tiptoeing, etc. Yet these reactions rarely take us to satisfying places.
What can we do when a conversation is going sideways to get it back on track and move in the direction of connection?
1) Make a connection request. This is a present-moment question to gauge the level of connection happening in the conversation. Connection requests sound like, “How are you feeling hearing what I just said?” “I’m sensing that maybe we aren’t on the same page anymore, would you let me know where you’re at right now?” “I’m worried that what I just said either hasn't made sense or that I didn’t communicate it well, could you tell me what you’re hearing?”
I personally love connection requests because they often catch something I could sense was happening, but couldn’t put my finger on. If the other person is willing to let me in on their experience (where they went astray, or what triggered them) then we have the chance to find our way back to each other! Making connection requests will probably feel kind of uncomfortable at first—they aren’t conventional in our day-to-day interactions, and can feel risky for that reason—but when used genuinely, they have the power to send the conversation in the direction of connection again.
2) Check your energy. One of the things that can send a conversation sideways is when the other person senses that the words I’m saying don’t match the energy I’m bringing. For example, I may be saying words that sound collaborative and nice, but my energy might read as adversarial. When this happens, people tend to withdraw, get defensive or close off, and this is often when you might sense things going sideways. What you can do when you sense this happening, slow down and check in: How close am I to my authenticity right now? Is there a gap between how I’m feeling on the inside and what I’m showing on the outside? How could I narrow that gap?
You might consider reporting out to the other person what you’re noticing in yourself when do you this energy check: “I’m noticing that I’m feeling [fill in the blank with inner experience].” When people feel we’re being open, direct and clear with our experience, they tend to stay open to us. When they feel we’re withholding something or trying to manipulate the conversation, they tend to close to us. By narrowing the gap between your energy and your words, you come across as more trustworthy.
3) Take a pause and revisit the conversation later. When we get in the thick of it, we often try to power through or push the conversation forward. We often forget that we can simply acknowledge that something is off, and choose to come back together when both parties have had time to reflect. This tactic works well for situations where you’ve already tried everything you can to understand where things are going sideways, and you can’t seem to put your finger on it. I’ve been in plenty of conversations where I’ve used all the tools in my toolkit and for whatever reason, something had come up that we just couldn't get underneath in the moment. When that happens, it serves to take space! Come back to the table when both people have a better understanding of what happened for them or where things went awry, and you can speak openly about it in a self-reflective way.
One common underlying dynamic that can send conversations sideways is the clash between intention vs. impact. In every interaction, we have an intention and an impact, and things can get awkward or tense when our intention isn’t matching the impact we’re having on the other person. This is something to be aware of and check out with the other person! For example: “I have the sense that maybe what I just said didn’t land in the way I intended. What’s going on for you?”
If your intention isn’t matching your impact, see if you can get curious about your impact. Whether or not you agree with the impact you had (it can sometimes be quite hard at first to see the perspective of the person we’ve impacted, especially if we feel they have misunderstood our intention!), see if you can at least stay curious about it, because that’s usually the doorway back to connection.
How To Move Through Your Triggers Faster
All of us get triggered from time to time—we’re only human! And yet, it’s clear that acting from our triggers doesn’t result in the behaviors and outcomes we want. What can we do to come out of our triggers faster and do less damage in the process?
Please note: These suggestions are intended to support with minor emotional triggers and reactivity, and are not applicable for severe triggers, debilitating nervous system dysregulation, symptoms of PTSD, etc.
Whether it’s a small thing we have a disproportionately big reaction to, or something genuinely big that brings up a lot of layers for us to work through, being triggered doesn’t feel good. Not only that, but it doesn’t allow us to show up how we want to. When we’re triggered, we can’t think clearly or act from the most resourceful, capable parts of our brain. We go back to our survival instincts: the impulses, bad habits, and knee-jerk reactions that usually only make things worse. How do we interrupt this cycle and pivot toward a healthier response?
For starters, here’s one of the most useful things I’ve discovered about triggers:
We experience pain in relation to the thoughts we’re having, not the events that are occurring.
Take that one in.
We often think it’s what someone said or did that set us off, but that’s not actually true—it’s what we tell ourselves about what happened that actually pushes our buttons and gets under our skin.
Words and behaviors have an impact of course, but when we’re in a triggered state, the majority of our pain and reactivity is actually coming from a thought inside of us about those words and behaviors. Strangely, our own negative thought patterns are what bring us the most emotional pain!
Luckily, we can use our mind to trace each of our thoughts back to its root, where the true pain lies. And when we do this, we can relieve some of our pain and bring ourselves back toward a more balanced, grounded state.
How does this work? Let’s say you’re triggered by something—you’re losing your cool, your heartrate’s going up, you’re getting reactive, etc. The moment you catch it, stop and ask yourself:
What am I telling myself?
For me, there are usually many different things I’m telling myself when I’m triggered. If I have the space to journal and write out exactly what I’m telling myself, this is immensely helpful because it puts me in direct contact with the thoughts that are stimulating pain for me. Because once again, others’ behavior and words may have impact, but the bulk of my pain comes from the thoughts, meanings, and interpretations I create inside my own head. The more honest I can be with myself about these stories, the faster I can move through my trigger.
Sometimes this simple first question already brings me significant relief. However, if it doesn’t, then I go a layer deeper:
If that’s true, what am I afraid will happen?
In this question, I’m trying to identify my worst case scenario. I’m looking for my doomsday stories, my dreaded nightmare, the thing I’m most afraid of… whatever it is I’m telling myself might happen if all of my original stories from the first question are true. I follow my thought process down the rabbit hole into that deep dark place inside, to root out the fears that are actually fueling my trigger.
Now, be warned: when you uncover these fears, you can expect it to be uncomfortable. You can also expect them to be dramatic, unreasonable, and (99% of the time) just plain untrue. Our subconscious is often filled with inaccurate interpretations about life that once served in protecting us from vulnerability in our early years, but now no longer apply or serve us in our adult lives.
The fears you unearth may be (probably will be) out of touch with reality. But don’t discount them! Take the raw emotion they carry seriously. Your doomsday stories contain genuine, honest emotion, no matter how irrational or untrue they are. The more present you can be with the underlying feelings, the faster you will move through and come out of your trigger. This emotional presence with yourself is the crucial final step:
Feel the emotional release of acknowledging your fears.
As the saying goes, you’ve gotta feel it to heal it. Be gentle with yourself and try to stay as nonjudgmental as possible about your fears. Stay present and offer yourself empathy for whatever painful feelings you uncover, and breathe your way through it. We all have pain that lives underneath our triggers—our triggers are there to protect us from feeling emotional vulnerability. Be grateful to yourself that you are being brave enough to look for the root of this pain, feel your way through it, and move toward healing.
You can use this process any time you find yourself feeling triggered. It may not be accessible to you in the exact moment of your trigger, but you can always go back in hindsight, review the scenario, and walk yourself through these steps:
1. What am I telling myself?
2. If that’s true, what am I afraid will happen?
3. Be present, gentle, and compassionate with yourself as you feel the emotion.
As you find the courage to unpack your triggers, identify the stories you’ve created, and release them by feeling the feelings underneath, you will come into a more balanced state and have more capacity to respond to life in ways that feel aligned for you. You’ll have more inner resources to draw on, and more ability to make kind, intelligent, responsible choices.
Let me know how it goes unpacking your triggers! I’d love to hear your stories.
My Favorite Shortcut To Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance has never been a linear process for me. For most of us, the work of genuine self-acceptance will be a lifelong practice! That said, there’s a tool that has been extremely life-changing for me, and always gets me moving back toward self-acceptance fast.
This tool operates on one simple principle:
Every feeling we have is feedback about a need that wants our attention.
Every. Single. Feeling. Every single one!
Our feelings are messengers. Our uncomfortable feelings are signaling us to look for the need(s) we want more of, and our comfortable feelings are letting us know we’re getting needs met. Your feelings may not always be easy to feel, but if you can decipher the message they are trying to send you, it will alwaysbe worth it.
Download my Free Feelings & Needs list here.
I don’t know about you, but I spent most of my life in battle with my uncomfortable feelings. I saw them as problems that needed to be fixed, inconveniences to get rid of. I had almost zero tolerance for my feelings of sadness, fear, hurt, discouragement, loneliness, etc. They felt like they were ruining my good time!
I didn’t even realize how much pain I was causing myself by having this extreme intolerance to these feelings until I was introduced to this idea:
What if my uncomfortable feelings weren’t coming up to ruin my good time, but to point me toward insight that would unlock more wellbeing?
Talk about a paradigm shift! When I choose to experience feelings as messengers rather than problems, magic happens: they unlock crucial insight that allows me to move toward meetings more of my needs.
It’s often easier said than done to re-orient to our feelings in this way, so to get myself started, I like to take this approach anytime I notice an uncomfortable feeling coming up:
I say to myself, “Welcome, <feeling>.”
Welcome anger. Welcome sadness. Welcome despair. Welcome fatigue. Welcome boredom.
Whatever feeling I’ve had resistance to in the past, I make a point to welcome it now. Come on in uncomfortable feeling, and show me where I need to put my focus! I also love Rumi’s poem "The Guest House" as another reinforcement of this concept.
Once I’ve welcomed my feelings, then I start looking for the needs underneath. I ask myself:
What is this feeling trying to communicate to me? What need is it pointing me toward?
When I’m feeling frustrated or anxious, am I looking for more care? Respect? Connection? Clarity? Whatever feeling arises, there is at least one need underneath that wants my attention, and the magic starts the moment I put my curiosity toward finding that need.
You can download my feelings and needs list here to help you out with this.
Now I want to give one small disclaimer: it sometimes requires actually feeling the feeling to really get to the need underneath. For example, in my experience, feelings like sadness and anger are feelings that often need to move. If I feel sad, I might need to cry. If I notice anger, I might need to pound something or go shout into pillows. You get the idea. Give yourself permission to express whatever feeling you need to, in safe and healthy ways! You’ll find that as the feeling moves, the need will reveal itself to you.
I can’t tell you it’s going to be comfortable to welcome your feelings and uncover your needs, but I know that you have the ability to create a safe container for any feeling to have its space inside of you and reveal its wisdom. And I know that whenever you do this, you instantly activate more self-acceptance.
The journey of self-acceptance may not be a comfortable or linear journey, but it’s a worthy one—and you are making beautiful strides on the path, my friend.
How To Overcome People-Pleasing
People-pleasing may seem harmless at first, but over time it can have devastating consequences for our relationships. Let’s explore how to overcome the habit of people-pleasing and step into greater authenticity!
When I use the term people-pleasing, I’m referring to any time we say or do what we think someone else wants us to. The intention behind people-pleasing is almost always positive: to create harmony and connection with others, or to feel a sense of belonging and approval.
In the short-term, people-pleasing appears to create more ease, but over time it has the power to undermine our most important relationships! When we make choices based on what we think others want from us rather than our true inner experience, we lose touch with our authenticity—and when it comes to building and keeping genuine connections, authenticity is the absolute bedrock. Despite what our habits might lead us to believe, trying to create harmony and connection without being authentic will never be genuine or satisfying.
If we want healthy, thriving relationships, it’s time to stop people-pleasing and practice tuning in with our authenticity. Let’s walk through a few steps that have been really helpful to me in overcoming people-pleasing!
The first step is to do a gut check. I also like the term self-connection. This is the process of going inward to check in with your true experience. Many of us are so accustomed to placing our attention on how the otherperson is doing in our interactions that we forget to check in with our own experience. If you have the space and privacy to close your eyes when you tune in with yourself, this often helps me to connect quickly and deeply with my inner experience. If not, you can absolutely do a gut-check while you’re simultaneously interacting with someone. All it takes is placing your attention on your inner experience—and specifically, gauging where you land on your inner “yes-to-no” spectrum. If you focus on what others want or how they will perceive you, you’ll likely lose touch with your genuine truth, however if you put your focus on your own experience and look for where you personally stand on the yes-to-no spectrum, this will help you step out of people-pleasing mode.
The second step is to slow things down. It can be easy to fall into the illusion that everything is urgent. Our society moves at a very fast pace, and we can internalize that and feel pressure around every decision we make. But in my experience, the vast majority of our interactions are not actually urgent! In most cases, I could take five second, five minutes, five days, or in some cases even five months to come to a decision. Because it’s not natural for most of us (and in some situations very counter-cultural) to slow our conversations down, it’s helpful to have some go-to phrases ready to use. I like the phrases: “Let me sit with that,” “I’d like to take some time to think about this,” “There are a few things I’d like to consider. When do you need a decision by?” What are some phrases you could use in crucial moments to buy yourself a little time to do a deeper check-in?
The third step is to put your needs on the table. Because so many of us are habituated to focus on how others are doing, we often lose sight of our own experience. Once you’ve done a gut check and slowed things down, this is a moment to take stock of your needs in the situation. If you don’t already have my Feelings & Needs list, you can download it here. This list will offer some vocabulary to help you familiarize yourself with what needs might be coming up for you in any given situation. It’s important to note that vulnerability is key when communicating your needs! Simply rattling off your needs robotically isn’t likely to be connecting, but speaking from the heart about why your needs matter to you can create a profound shift.
The fourth step is to build your tolerance for other people’s discomfort.This is not a fun or easy step, but it’s vital if you’re committed to overcoming people-pleasing. Choosing to be authentic means that you are bound to find yourself in situations from time to time where your choices and truths will stimulate difficult feelings for others. This is not bad or wrong, it’s natural! You can’t sidestep or avoid pain, and trying to artificially protect others from experiencing pain is futile: you not only rob them of their own growth and learning opportunities, but you also sacrifice your own authenticity (which, as we’ve covered, is one of the foundations of healthy relationships). Practice noticing your discomfort with others’ discomfort! When someone experiences emotional distress, what happens for you? Can you slow down, breathe, and remind yourself that you’re okay even though this other person is in distress? The more you strengthen this muscle of staying grounded despite other’s discomfort, the more ability you will have to be authentic and honest in the moments when it matters the most. Remember that your honesty is the foundation of real trust and respect in your relationships.
Lastly, I want to leave you with this message:
Your self-worth does not come from how other people perceive you, how much they approve of you, or whether they like you. It comes from within you.
This message has been so transformational in my journey of overcoming people-pleasing! I used to operate from the belief that my self-worth was dependent on how other people viewed me, and that therefore I had to keep them happy and make sure they liked me. As you can imagine, this only led to resentment, inauthenticity, and a sense of loneliness in my connections. Claiming my own self-worth has been a true gift to me, and to everyone I touch.
My hope for all of us is that we shed our old habits of people-pleasing. May we stand in our authenticity, and trust our inherent self-worth regardless of others’ perceptions of us. May we stay grounded in our truth and keep an open heart even when it does not align with what someone else would want. May we build strong, resilient, authentic relationships that allow us to grow, thrive, and live joyfully together!
If this topic resonated with you, get my People-Pleasing Quit Kit here!
3 Simple Steps To Set The Boundaries You Need
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but rarely are we taught how to set them. Let’s explore how to set the boundaries you need and build healthier relationships in your life!
First and foremost, I want you to give yourself permission right here and now: you can set the boundaries you need whenever you need to.
Many of us never received this message early in our lives. In fact, we may have had a lot of experiences that taught us otherwise: that it’s not okay to ask for the boundaries we need, or that people won’t respect them even when we ask. It’s really important to remind yourself that it is absolutely okay and accessible to you to set the boundaries you need whenever you need them. It is truly the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others!
Now let’s walk through the 3 simple steps to set the boundaries you need:
Recognize when you need a boundary. Resentment is going to be the tell-tale sign that you need a boundary! I encourage you to get familiar with the feeling of resentment. What thought patterns happen for you when you feel resentment? What body sensations? What knee-jerk behaviors do you tend to do? The better you acquaint yourself with the feeling of resentment and recognize it as it’s happening, the faster you can catch the opportunities to set the boundaries you need.
Focus on the behavior you want, rather than the behavior you don’t want. When we recognize that a boundary has been crossed, the most automatic reaction is to point out the behavior we didn’t like. Yet oftentimes, people feel attacked when we do this! Plus, they don’t have any sense of the behavior we actually want to see instead. Clearly, this is not an effective way to get someone on your team around the boundary you need. The solution? Focus on the behavior that would be most meaningful to you—and be sure to include why that behavior would be meaningful to you. What deeper values would it support for you? What would it give you to have this boundary honored? The "why” behind your boundary is what’s really going to connect with the other person and help them partner with you to honor what you’re asking for.
Remove blame. This is much easier said than done, but such a worthwhile step! It’s really common when we set a boundary to have some level of blame for the person we need to set the boundary with. This is totally human, but it’s very problematic if we don’t catch it, because blame on the receiving end feels like an attack and is likely to stimulate defensiveness. And when defensiveness is present in an interaction, connection doesn’t happen easily. If we really want to have productive conversations around our boundaries, we need to remove blame from the interaction. My favorite coaching question for working with blame is “What would I have to feel right now if I let go of the blame?” Blame is the discharge of pain. Usually, hiding just underneath our blame are things like vulnerability, shame, or some tender feelings that want our loving attention. If we can uncover what’s underneath that urge to discharge our pain against other people and be present with those things in ourself, we can take more responsibility for it, offer ourselves some compassion, and have a much healthier interaction around our boundary.
Remember, you have unconditional permission to set the boundaries you need whenever you need them. Use resentment as your clue that a boundary is being crossed and that you need to look for a boundary to set. Focus on the behavior that you would love to see and why it matters to you and share that in a vulnerable way, and you will have a much better chance of getting the other person to partner with you in that conversation.
And finally, notice if you are holding any blame toward the other person and if you are, ask yourself, “what do I need to feel underneath my blame?” If you can take responsibility for those feelings and offer yourself compassion, you will create a much cleaner interaction with the other person and hopefully set up a boundary that both parties feel really good about.
Happy boundary setting!
If this resonated with you, check out my Boundaries Without Backlash Program.